I Heard Through the Grapevine…At My Own Funeral

I used to think about this all the time when I was younger. Most of my teen years I had issues with low self-esteem and was constantly concerned about what people thought of me. I wanted to fit in all the while knowing that I was not made to fit anywhere really. There was always this internal struggle between trying to be “normal” and trying to please God. But anyway, saying all that to say I always wanted to be pleasing in everyone’s sight. So I used to (and actually still do kinda) wish that, when I die, I could watch my own funeral. Now, I know that when I die I probably wouldn’t care about such things because I’ll be in Heaven with Jesus, family & friends who’ve gone on already, and my fav Biblical characters and some historical figures. However, I used to pray and ask God to allow me watch my funeral. I wanted to know three things: 1. who would be there, 2. who would be crying, and 3. what people would say. At this point in my life, I almost don’t care so I suppose I’ve grown and gotten stronger over the years, but back then I needed constant affirmation. Although I knew I was a very likable person and that a lot of people did love me, but I wasn’t totally convinced that people liked me as much as they appeared to. I never had the kind of friends I wanted, and I think I took that as a reflection of myself. In some of my friendships, I was doing all the work. In most other friendships, my friends had other friends that they were closer to so they hung out more with them. So, I think I took my lack of genuine friendships as a reflection of myself. I felt like if no one took the time to spend time with me, then there must be something wrong with me; but at the same time I knew there wasn’t anything wrong with me, so I lived in a constant state of confusion.

SO, now that I’m a lot more confident in myself, I’ll answer the question indirectly. I’m not so bold to come out and say what people would say about me because…well, I guess I still struggle sometimes with what people think and thinking a little less of myself. However, I strive to live in a way that would make people say awesome things about me! I want people to be able to say that I was a freakin awesome friend that loved deeply and was always willing to help. I want people to realize that as much as I messed up, my number one goal was always to love God and do and care about only what He said. I hope that people would say that I was an accountable person who aimed to always be reliable, honest, trustworthy, and kind. I want people to be able to say that I constantly thought about my family and friends even though I didn’t always attempt to contact anyone. I know for a fact that people would say that I never wanted to be average. I never wanted to be a typical [whatever] and was not afraid to go against the grain. I hope that people would get from my life a message of God’s love, encouragement that you CAN and you have the right to do, think, and live right no matter what others are saying, servant leadership, and truly loving your neighbor as yourself.
What will people say about you?

In defense of my vice
The Worst Teacher I Ever Had

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