To all my tech support brothers and sisters, I hope you get a chuckle out of this! Feel free to comment and add more!
To all the folks that call us, PLEASE do us a favor and comply!!
1. “XYZ tech support, this is Jane…”
This is a GREETING, not a license to start talking about your issue. If you meet someone, and they introduce themselves, don’t you reciprocate? You don’t just say “yeah” and start talking do you? Always introduce yourself, and depending on who you’re calling, state the organization you’re representing.
2. DO NOT tell us about how frustrated you are that your stuff is not working. Honestly, we do not care, and it frustrates US.
3. DO NOT start the conversation off by saying, “I’m not sure if you can help me….” What kind of nonsense is that? If you didn’t need help, then why call us? You obviously need help, and we’re obviously the ones you’re supposed to call. So show a little respect and trust that we are the ones who can help you.
4. DO NOT mention to us all the titles you have behind your name. We don’t care! Everyone who is on the other side of the phone is a customer whether you are a fellow employee, a paying customer, or the president of the company. Do not expect special treatment because you think you’re important.
5. PLEASE be prepared! DO NOT call us and expect us to fix anything if you can’t even give us the basic information that we ask for in EVERY phone call. We are not mind readers.
6. DO NOT get mad when we CAN’T read your mind because you’re not prepared. Call back when you have time to do what we need you to do.
7. DO NOT get mad because you’re calling about x, but you’re nowhere near x and expect us to know exactly what the problem is, and we tell you to call back when you’re around x.
8. DO NOT insult our product/expertise by using pet names over and over even after we’ve corrected you. We don’t care what you call it, and it’s annoying.
9. NEVER hang up on us!! That’s just rude, and your mother taught you better.
10. Although you may think the questions we ask are silly, please answer them do not give us any lip. There is a reason for everything whether you know what it is or not.
11. DO NOT use foul language. Whatever you are upset about is probably not our fault. If you’re using it casually, don’t do that either no matter how close you feel to us. We don’t know you, we’ve never met (although we might speak often), and we are not friends. Besides, it makes us feel like we can be comfortable and speak to you that way which would SO not be acceptable in a corporate environment. Our calls are recorded!
12. No means no!! We are TECH SUPPORT not your sales guy, the accounting department, the shipping department, or anyone ELSE who would be authorized to do whatever you are trying sweet talk (or strong-arm) us to do.
13. We ARE tech support, so don’t call and ask to be transferred to Mary in marketing. This is not switchboard and is really insulting.
14. If you call us, and a woman answers, do not assume you’ve reached the wrong number, an answering service, or the front desk and say, “I need to speak to someone in tech support.” It’s 2009, and women are techy too!! Don’t get it twisted.
15. DO NOT carry on conversation with others while talking to us. It’s just common courtesy, and if you’re paying to talk to us then you are wasting your money.
16. DO NOT be the liaison for someone else if the someone else is more knowledgeable than you are. It’s no offense to you, but the conversation will be much smoother and faster if we could speak to someone who understands what we say and who can better describe the problem.
17. DO NOT talk down to us. Regardless of what your previous tech support experience was, we are very knowledgeable smart, and just might make more money than you. No offense.
18. DO NOT call us several times a day trying to get someone else thinking you’ll get a different/better answer. See #12!
19. Sometimes we really do not know what the answer is. We are humans not a computer or encyclopedia. DO NOT get upset if we need to research and call you back, escalate the issue, and/or need you to gather more info and call back. It’s not a stall tactic. We really don’t know! Trust me…we want the issue fixed as bad as you do.
20. DO NOT ask us to speak up. If you can’t hear us, turn YOUR volume up!
As someone who has worked in Tech Support/Customer Service her whole life, I wish I could staple this to the forehead of everyone I’ve ever met.
This is hilarious and I’ve so been on phone calls like this!!